


The Groupchat of Crackheads AKA The FS Protection Squad

by Agent_Of_Something



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Stupid shit, someone gave me some advice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:28:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27180413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agent_Of_Something/pseuds/Agent_Of_Something
Summary: stupid shit.
Relationships: Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie/Yo Yo Rodriguez, Lance Hunter/Bobbi Morse, Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons, Phil Coulson/Melinda May, Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa
Comments: 30
Kudos: 69





	1. I-

**Author's Note:**

> I've been feeling really unmotivated and unseen lately on both insta and here. The things that I don't feel passionate about, like Dousy, do better than the stuff I am. So I don't care if 20 people see this or 200. Based off the DS Squad coz I love y'all. This will literally be real conversations
> 
> Key:   
> Daisy- Quakiewakie  
> Daniel- The ex-cane man  
> Yo Yo- Slingshot101  
> Mack- Turtleguy  
> Coulson- America's Bitch  
> May- The Pilot  
> Hunter- God Save The Queen (GSTQ)  
> Bobbi- Bob the baby boo  
> Fitz- FITZsimmons  
> Simmons- fitzSIMMONS

Quakiewakie added The ex-cane man, Slingshot101, Turtleguy, America's Bitch, The Pilot, God Save The Queen, Bob the baby boo, FITZsimmons, and fitzSIMMONS to the FS Protection Squad.

The ex-cane man: what is this

Quakiewakie- this, sweetie, is our new group chat to stay in touch

The Pilot- No

Quakiewakie- c'mon it'll be fun

fitzSIMMONS- Daisy istg if you spam this with shirtless Daniel photos I won't do any bad girl shenanigans...Mary Sue Poops

Quakiewakie- NO

fitzSIMMONS- MARY SUE POOPS

Quakiewakie- JEMMASS

fitzSIMMONS- NO

Quakiewakie- JEMMASS

fitzSIMMONS- MARY SUE POOPS

Quakiewakie- JEMMASS

fitzSIMMONS- MARY SUE POOPS

Quakiewakie- JEMMASS

FITZsimmons- STOP OR IM GETTING THE NIGHT NIGHT GUN. 

Quakiewakie- JEMMASS

fitzSIMMONS- MARY SUE POOPS

Quakiewakie- JEMMASS

FITZsimmons- omg

Slingshot101- I-

Turtleguy- y'all need WAP- worship and prayer

Bob the baby boo- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

GSTQ- Mack I snorted-

America's Bitch- lmaoooooo

The Pilot- I- why do I raise such immature children?

Quakiewakie- why did you decided to have children at all?

The Pilot- WELL I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY'D END UP LIKE THIS

FITZsimmons- lol


	2. No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DS People: who's who?

Quakiewakie: Piss

The Pilot: No

fitzSIMMONS: no stfu

FITZsimmons: no

Quakiewakie: why :(

The ex-cane man: sorry baby

fitzSIMMONS: I'm not

Turtleguy: lol

GSTQ: piss

Bob the baby boo: HUNTER STFU 

FITZsimmons: Hunter no one likes you

Turtleguy: ^^^

America's Bitch: what-

Slingshot101: I-

America's Bitch: what is happening

fitzSIMMONS: idk

GSTQ: you're insecure

FITZsimmons: thanks for reminding me

fitzSIMMONS: awww it's ok darling 

FITZsimmons: ily <3

fitzSIMMONS: ily <3

Quakiewakie: awwww my shipper heart

GSTQ: don't know what for

GSTQ: you're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or

The ex-cane man: I now know why no one likes you Amadeus

Bob the baby boo: welcome to the club, we have free cookies

The Pilot: ....


	3. SHIRTLESS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THESE ARE ALL BASED ON REAL CONVERSATIONS

Quakiewakie: good morning, here is a beautiful photo to start your day.

*shirtless Daniel*

The ex-cane man: what- when did you take that?

Quakiewakie: this morning ;) honk

America's Bitch: keep it PG plz

Slingshot101: from last night

*shirtless Mack*

Turtleguy: WTF ELENA

Bob the baby boo: did not need to see that

GSTQ: here you go

*shirtless Hunter*

Quakiewakie: I love how Bobbi didn't send it or take it

GTSQ: Bobs prove her wrong

Bob the baby boo: it's a selfie babe

Quakiewakie: ROASTED

The Pilot: i can't with you

FITZsimmons: Jemma if you send a photo of me shirtless Istg there will be no lab for you

fitzSIMMONS: you've banned me anyway because of our next one

FITZsimmons: oh yeah, but still don't you dare

fitzSIMMONS: *shirtless Fitz*

The Pilot: wow...

Quakiewakie: I- Daniel I want a divorce

Slingshot: I'm impressed

Bob the baby boo: Fitzy poo I did not expect that

GTSQ: Bobbi, he's mine

FITZsimmons: haha jokes on you Jems

fitzSIMMONS: come to the bedroom

FITZsimmons: jokes on me bye guys

Slingshot101: why

The Pilot:.....


	4. Medically Induced Coma*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BASED ON REAL CONVOS

The ex-cane man: guys can you convince Daisy to go to sleep?

Slingshot101: what is sleep anymore?

fitzSIMMONS: ^^^

FITZsimmons: medically induced coma*

The Pilot: not that shit again....

Quakiewakie: omg yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Turtleguy: what-

America's Bitch: It's a BUS kids inside joke

fitzSIMMONS: just like uh-oh

Quakiewakie: NO JEMMASS

FITZsimmons: uh oh I can hear my heart go racing out of control it's so crazy boy you really got me uh oh

Quakiewakie: i hate you guys

The ex-cane man: oh yeah Jemma sent me the video. You looked cute babe

fitzSIMMONS: awwww

Quakiewakie: awwwww

*Fitz and the cream*

FITZsimmons: JEMMA WHY DID YOU SEND THAT TO HER?!?!?!

fitzSIMMONS: sorry babe ily <3

FITZsimmons: ily more <3 let's um do some biology

fitzSIMMONS: kk bye guys

Quakiewakie: I-

Bob the baby boo: lol

GTSQ: who did that to Fitz?

Quakiewakie: idk it's a mystery

The Pilot:....


	5. cOnFuSiOn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS A REAL CONVERSATION....

The ex-cane man: Daisy go to sleep

Quakiewakie: *hoes to sleep

* 

omg goes*

Slingshot101: hoes I-

GSTQ: how's

hoes*

The Pilot: Daisy...

Bob the baby boo: got some hoes in this house

fitzSIMMONS: I-

FITZsimmons: I-

hi 

we're convincing Alya to do her he

fitzSIMMONS: hw*

America's Bitch: Go do her he

Slingshot101: LMAO

The Pilot:...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait till y'all learn about lamp...


	6. CPR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happened today.

Slingshot101: hi

Turtleguy: hello

America's Bitch: Hello

The Pilot: ho*

Hi*

Quakiewakie: ho ho hoooo

The ex-cane man: baby ya ok?

GTSQ: this gc is dead

FITZsimmons: we are dead

inside

Quakiewakie: that's what I'm afraid of

fitzSIMMONS: we can revive it

Quakiewakie: give it CPR

Bob the baby boo: give it CPR and mouth to mouth

Quakiewakie: blow air

Slingshot101: HAHA BLOW AIR IM WHEEZING

The Pilot: I don't know what's happening and I'm guessing from your reactions that I don't want to know

fitzSIMMONS: what the fawk

Quakiewakie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Pilot:...


	7. School Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, these things actually happen in DS except for the couples. No one is actually dating anyone....

GSTQ: hey yo anyone have any cool school stories?

The ex-cane man: I once busted a group of freshman smoking in the parking lot during class

Quakiewakie: *cough cough goodie two shoes cough cough*

The ex-cane man: oh c'mon baby you know that ain't true

Quakiewakie: ;)

fitzSIMMONS: that's nothing, at the academy, well I'd rather not say...

Bob the baby boo: tell us

FITZsimmons: don't

Turtleguy: tell us

Slingshot101: tell us

The Pilot: I stole my teacher's car and put it in a field

America's Bitch: I-

fitzSIMMONS: I caught Fitz crying to a bottle of vodka

FITZsimmons: JEMMA

Quakiewakie: we been knew

FITZsimmons: haha jokes on you babe

fitzSIMMONS: is that so? you're telling me, right now, that a joke is on me?

FITZsimmons: no no of course not I love you so much my beautiful wife you're gorgeous and I don't deserve you I'll change all the diapers

fitzSIMMONS: ok thanks

Bob the baby boo: BHAAHAHAHAHAHAhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

GSTQ: fitz, you are a bloody idiot

fitzSIMMONS: stfu hunter before I go all Maveth on your ass

Turtleguy: a sixth grader got in trouble for selling vape pens at my school

Quakiewakie: I pulled a girl's tooth out

The Pilot:......................................................


	8. Spammer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shirtless photos happen a lot in DS.

Quakiewakie: *shirtless Daniel*

You're welcome

fitzSIMMONS: never said thank you

The ex-cane man: why baby

Quakiewakie: idk

*cowboy Daniel*

The Pilot: i-

America's Bitch: why

Bob the baby boo: I'm not complaining

GSTQ: *shirtless Hunter*

Turtleguy: still a selfie

FITZsimmons: Jemma I saw what you're doing and no

Slingshot101: stfu Fitz Jemma continue

fitzSIMMONS: *shirtless Fitz*

*shirtless Fitz*

*shirtless Fitz*

*shirtless Fitz*

*shirtless Fitz*

*shirtless Fitz*

Here you go, top notch quality

GSTQ: Jemma, step aside, he's my manz now

Bob the baby boo: not fam he's mine

Turtleguy: it's not a contest, he's mine

FITZsimmons: I- ok

fitzSIMMONS: darling c'mere

*sends an accidental voice message of kissing and growling*

Quakiewakie: woah FS porn

The Pilot:...............................................................................................................................................................................


	9. -2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This trend was started by me.

Quakiewakie: waddup my bitches?

The Pilot: Daisy...

Quakiewakie: sawy

Slingshot101: good morning 

*shirtless Fitz*

Turtleguy: If it were anyone else I'd be mad but ily Fitz

FITZsimmons: ily 2 speaking of which where's Jemma?

Nvm i found her

The ex-cane man: what is/was she doing?

FITZsimmons: um bye guys

Bob the baby boo: what-

America's Bitch: why everytime they are online they go off to have sex?

Quakiewakie: I hacked into their security feed once to see Alya and I need bleach for my eyes they have children!

Slingshot101: I need bleach for my eyes  
-Daisy Johnson 2019 and 2020

GSTQ: why would you- ok here *bleach*

Quakiewakie: Let's just say their Perthshire cottage that was supposed to be innocent is very well christened 

fitzSIMMONS: stop talking about us! we're not doing anything right now

FITZsimmons: that offends me Jems

The ex-cane man: i-

Quakiewakie: no one:  
Absolutely no one:  
Not a single soul:  
Jesus:  
Fitzy Poo: that offends me Jems

Turtleguy: Daisy omg

America's Bitch: I-

The Pilot:.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


	10. YAYAYAYAYAYA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the DS peeps know who say dis (kimmy) lamp. there are several DS references, find them all and first one who does gets a personalized chat fic.

fitzSIMMONS: we have news...

Quakiewakie: what is it?

FITZsimmons: well...

GSTQ: spit it out already!

fitzSIMMONS: I'm pregnant again! The baby is due Oct 3!

Quakiewakie: YAYAYAYAYAYA

The ex-cane man: congrats

Turtleguy: I call godfather

GSTQ: oi you got Alya

Bob the baby boo: No Enoch did rip so now it's Mack's turn

Turtleguy: ^^^

America's Bitch: yay imma grandpa again!

The Pilot: no stfu i cannot-

Slingshot101: congratulations! 

FITZsimmons: what's wrong May?

The Pilot: you knew for three months

Quakiewakie: whattttttt noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

fitzSIMMONS: we wanted to make sure the baby was safe and healthy before breaking the news

FITZsimmons: and that little monkey will have a better birth

fitzSIMMONS: fitz, that goes without saying

FITZsimmons: I still said it Jems

The Pilot: .........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


	11. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because not only are we crackheads, we are supportive ones and we take and love all. Any religion, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity. We love and support each of you.

Quakiewakie: hi what's happening

America's Bitch: nothing much u?

Quakiewakie: im gucci

Slingshot101: im good

Turtleguy: same

The Pilot: fine

GSTQ: mad at bobbi

Bob the baby boo: rolling my eyes at Hunter

The ex-cane man: im good

FITZsimmons: im ok, jemma isn't she asked me to type it

Quakiewakie: where is she?

FITZsimmons: next to me

so basically what is happening is that Jemma here thought she could cure COVID and did, however when she handed it in to be tested, they said it needed to be by a male so it will be trusted more. those fucking pricks....

Slingshot101: I need to go talk to some people

Quakiewakie: turn this fucking ship around

The Pilot: i'm going to go all calvary

fitzSIMMONS: it's ok guys, i'll take care of it

America's Bitch: no it's not ok they just turned down something that can save all of our lives

Turtleguy: yeah SHIELD is gonna help get this around

fitzSIMMONS: thanks guys also Fitz, I'm on you

GSTQ: kinky

Bob the baby boo: stfu lance

The Pilot:...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


End file.
